Book Talk | How to Pick a Mate by Clifford Adams and Vance Packard (Part 1)

01 Sep, 2024

William Hogarth, Marriage A-la-mode: 1. The Marriage Settlement. Taken from Wikimedia Commons.

Part 1: I Love You, But...

Some years ago, Janella Salvador released a song where the narrator tells a suitor that she loves him but can't be with him. The reason? All her relatives are against it—her mom, her dad, her aunt, her uncle, her big sister, her big brother, her grandpa, and her grandma. They tell her to study first or focus more on her family. Aside from that, the narrator says she isn't ready to date, and her suitor could still fall for someone else. The song feels like the baby sister of "Let's Wait Awhile" now that I'm sitting down and thinking about it. Janella says, "Sorry, not now" to courtship; Janet says, "Sorry, not now" to sex.

Clifford Adams and Vance Packard would approve of their caution:

Real love can wait. It can make sacrifices; it is not something that has to be rushed. (p. 50)

Why don't your parents approve this marriage? After all, they may have something. Look back in the past—weren’t they right many times then when you thought they were wrong? (p. 135)

In courtship restrained caressing may be engaged in without disturbing public morals, but petting as we define it should wait upon engagement. (p. 186)

The above quotes are from their book, How to Pick a Mate: The Guide to a Happy Marriage. You can find it on Project Gutenberg. For this and every other Book Talk post moving forward, imagine the book as something you picked up at a used bookstore, and my ramblings as the previous owner's notes in the margins.

Take what resonates

Different religions give different answers to the following questions:

1. How did our world come to be?
   
2. How should we live?
   
3. What will happen to us after we die?
   

Because "yesterday is history" (no one alive today saw how the universe began) and "tomorrow is a mystery" (we can't dig up our ancestors and ask them how they are), the most urgent question from the list above is the second. How should we live? In response to that, the followers of different world religions will point to their holy books and long-held traditions. Our god says we should do this, a believer will say. Our prophet says we should do that, someone else will retort. The arguments can get...heated. But not all believers follow every rule in their holy books. When was the last time we¹ saw people getting stoned to death for adultery?

If someone can claim a text to be divinely inspired and ignore some of its rules without a twinge of guilt, then he or she can do that with a mere mortal's advice book. The believer can say, Oh, we don't stone people for adultery because we live in 2024, not 1000 BC. Similarly, a reader of How to Pick a Mate might see that it was published in 1946 and feel free to ignore passages like this:

Imagine how much more complicated and inconvenient life would be if men had to do their own cooking and sewing, and women—all women—had to compete with men for a livelihood! (p. 20)

A couple who deliberately abstains from having children is a selfish couple. (p. 22)

The most common form of maldevelopment probably is homosexuality...their abnormal behavior is clearly the result of unfortunate conditioning. Perhaps a boy was pampered too much as a child... (p. 70)

More than one sentence talks about "men and girls" instead of "men and women." On a lighter note, the book dedicates a whole chapter to the marriage of veterans. There's also a chart (p. 32) comparing "the number of single white males 23-28 years old for each 100 single white females 20-25 years old" across different American states. Nevada had the most men (177.21) and Rhode Island had the fewest (82.61). Just how many families are alive today because grandma or grandpa moved to the other side of the country in the hopes of getting a date?

In general, it's a very American book. I don't think Adams and Packard—or most authors at the time, really—expected foreigners to read their writing, much less shout into the void about it. But I'm struck by the implicit assumptions that they make about their audience. The checklist for emotional maturity includes items like these:

Can you be away from the place you live for a month without getting homesick? (p. 45)

Have you friends among both sexes, some older and some younger than you are? (p. 46)

Throughout history and perhaps even now, there are societies where people simply don't leave their villages (unless they become conscripts or refugees in war) or talk to nonrelated members of the opposite sex (unless they've been arranged to marry them). Many also look at marriage and sex from a cold, utilitarian perspective. They see them only as tools to gain more money, more power, or more soldiers for God's army. So what if little Susie thinks that touching a boy will get her pregnant? That'll keep her a virgin until the pastor's son courts her. So what if young David thinks this American heiress is plain? Her family's money will save our estate. When most people think like this and aren't free to move elsewhere, there's little room for self-reflection, much less love between equals. They are not the target audience of How to Pick a Mate.

Instead, the target audience would live in a society where it's normal, even expected, to marry for love. Adams and Packard still expect their readers to be straight, open to children, and (if female) ready to give up their careers in the name of family. But they also stress that both husband and wife should be mature (by themselves) and compatible (with each other). It's these parts that hold up surprisingly well even now in 2024, despite the dated language and notions about family that are best left to ads from the 1950s.

Like goes with like

Are you old enough to marry?

The five-part checklist on page 44 means to help readers answer that question. Each part is supposed to measure a different type of maturity—physiological, mental, vocational, sexual, and emotional. Here's a sample of the questions:

Are you in general good health? (under "Physiological Maturity")

By age 20, had you completed at least two years of college or earned your own living for two years? (under "Mental Maturity")

Are you prepared by education or experience to make a living in a specific occupation, or in managing a home? (under "Vocational Maturity")

Are your attitudes toward sex free from disgust or aversion? (under "Sexual Maturity")

Do you usually do today what is supposed to be done today? (under "Emotional Maturity")

Considering the era, I was pleasantly surprised that the authors wanted people to not be disgusted by sex. I'm sure a lot of people in many parts of the world would prefer that their kids stayed disgusted if it kept them from getting pregnant or impregnating "undesirables." They also wouldn't care if said kids (upon growing up) had to lie back and think of the motherland as long as they coughed up heirs. Anyway, back to the checklists.

After this first maturity checklist was a longer one dedicated to emotional maturity. I already mentioned two questions above (the ones about homesickness and friends).

This item did make me raise my eyebrow a little:

Do you go to sleep easily and normally slumber without nightmares?

What do one's sleep patterns have to do with emotional maturity? Should insomniacs not get married? The nightmares also make me think of PTSD (imagine all the veterans in 1946). That said, the other items are worth considering. Look at this one:

When you have differences with people can you usually work out compromises that satisfy you and don’t leave hard feelings?

There are some other checklists, but Chapter XI takes the cake. You and your love interest can compare your respective answers to a set of ten checklists. The first nine test for values and personality traits: sociability, conformity, tranquillity [sic], dependability, stability, standards and ideals, steadiness, flexibility, and seriousness. For example, the checklist for conformity asks you to agree or disagree with statements like these:

No person except a law officer should be permitted to own a pistol.

Parents can decently support and educate two children in a city of 5000, with a total income of less than $200² per month.

Parents should be permitted to punish or whip their children.

At once, we can see why a married couple should have compatible views on these topics. For example, if one spouse believes in corporal punishment and the other one does not, what will they do if their child misbehaves? Or let's say they both believe in it but have different opinions on how harsh is too harsh. What if one of them believes a well-timed slap is enough, while the other would make a child kneel on salt? The money question's important as well. We all agree that some things are necessities, such as food, shelter, and clothing, but the specifics can be sticky. Maybe one spouse will buy new clothes for the eldest son and daughter, but make the other kids wear their older siblings' castoffs. He or she might think this to be normal, even sensible, only to be shocked when the other spouse comes home with a pile of new clothes from a shopping spree.

Filling out checklists may not be romantic, but the basic idea is sound. What may be a non-issue to one person could be the most serious of businesses for anyone else, so it's best to lay out questions of values beforehand. What traits do I have that I value and don't want my spouse to change? On what issues can I agree to disagree with my partner? If I want children, what traits should their father or mother have so they can grow up happy and healthy? It's best to be disappointed before getting married so that both parties can find someone who suits them better. Finding out these things too late—for example, when you're gravely ill and dependent on your spouse—can be painful.